submitted by Sang on 09.8.2006

“I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words “I do.”

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT???”

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, “Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

I figure that I won’t be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2008 but godammit it was worth it.”

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submitted by Sang on 07.15.2006

1. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

2. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.

3. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

4. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

5. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

6. It’s easier to fight for ones’ principles than to live up to them.

7. I don’t mind going anywhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

8. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

9. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

10. If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

11. I don’t get even, I get older.

12. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

13. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

14. I am a nutritional overachiever.

15. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

16. I am having an out of money experience.

17. I am in shape. round is a shape.

18. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

19. A day without sunshine is like night.

20. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

21. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

22. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

23. Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

24. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

25. You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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