submitted by Sang on 04.27.2006

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2002, the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

• 10 - 12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
• 8 - 10″ Pole Tax $25.00
• 5 - 8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
• 4 - 5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »

submitted by Mitchell on 04.27.2006

A young Newfoundlander moved to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The Newfie says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland.”

Well, the boss liked the Newfoundlander (of course) so he gave him the job.

He said, “You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did on your first day”.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see him.

“How many sales did you make today?”, the boss asked.

The Newfie proudly said ” One”.

The boss says, “Just One? Our sales people average 20- 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The Newfie says, “$101,237.64″.

The Boss says, “$101,237.64? What in the name of God did you sell?”

The Newfie said, “I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going to go fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat dept. and I sold him that twin engine Sea Ray. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive dept. and sold him that 4 X 4 Suburban.

The Boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck ?”

The Newfie says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said . . .

“Well, your weekend’s shot. . .You might as well go fishing!!!”

Posted in Jokes, Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.25.2006

So Mel Gibson decides to make a movie about the life and times of various composers.

Seeking out big actors he calls up Robert De Niro and asks him who he would like to play.

De Niro thinks for a minute and says “Well I kind of like Beethoven’s badass attitude, so I’ll be Beethoven.”

Next he calls up Dustin Hoffman and asks the same question.

Hoffman replies, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Then Mel Gibson calls up Arnold Swarchenegger and asks him what composer he would like to play.

Swarchenegger replies, “I’ll be Bach.”

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.25.2006

So, a sailor walks into a bar. Everything is normal about him, except his head is the size of a tangerine. The bartender asks, “Why is your head the size of a tangerine??” and the sailor tells this story:

“Well, I was sailing one day when our vessel went through serious storm. The ship was totally scrapped, and I was the only survivor. I made my way to a small island. I was there for months, finding food, shelter and water as well as I could. One day, while fishing, I saw a mermaid. I know you dont think that mermaids exist, but this one was as real as ever. Well, she told me that I looked like I was is a bind, and she offered me one wish. I said to her: “I’ve been here on this island for months now, all by myself, and what I’d really love would be to have sex with you.” and she said, “That is something that I cannot do, seeing as the lower half of my body is a fish” so I said, “How about a little head?”

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.24.2006

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asks Darla, “How do you spell dumb?”

Darla says “d-u-m-b, dumb” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

She says, “Buckwheat is dumb”.

Now spell “stupid”.

Darla says “s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid”.

The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

Darla says, “Buckwheat is stupid.”

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says “Buckwheat, spell dictate.”

Buckwheat stands an says, “d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.”

The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

Buckwheat says, “I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla say my dictate good.”

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.23.2006

The teacher decided to give a pop quiz on the week’s spelling words. She asked the students to spell the words and to use them in a sentence.

The 3 words were:

1. Hotel
2. Stigma
3. Homosexual

Little Johnny’s answers were:

1. h-o-t-e-l
   The President asked Monica to keep their affair secret but Linda Tripp made the ho tell.

2. s-t-i-g-m-a
   The President said to Monica, “I want to stig ma cigar in your you-know-what.”

3. h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l
   The President asked Monica not to wear panties because he thought it made the ho mo’ sexual.

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  2 comments »

submitted by Sang on 03.21.2006

One day Johnny was doing his homework. He was up to spelling and he needed to spell harassment. His teacher told him to have a parent recite the words so they can practice writing it so Johnny looks up to his mother and says, “Mom, how do you spell harassment?” His mother replies, “You know I can’t tell you. Just sound it out.” With that Johnny wrote down on the paper.

The next day at school Johnny’s teacher calls him to the front of the class and asks him to use harassment in a sentence. Johnny holds his paper up to his face and looks down at number 10. “Her ass meant so much to me.”

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.16.2006

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried.

“Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.16.2006

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work.

The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on ’special’.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! “PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!”

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, “Ma’am what’s wrong?”

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!” And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!”

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

Posted in Jokes/Puns   email  submit comment »