submitted by Sang on 05.10.2006

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the employment office. When asked about his occupation, Ole said, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk looked up ‘panty stitcher’. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 per week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.”

“What skill?” yelled Ole. “I sew the elastic on the panties. Sven pulls them down on his head and says, ‘Yah, diesel fitter.’”

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submitted by Sang on 05.2.2006

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

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submitted by Sang on 05.1.2006

Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: They’re right! We do taste like chicken!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One..Men will screw anything.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A: Because so many men fake foreplay.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

Q: What’s the difference between a golf ball and a woman’s clitoris?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for the golf ball.

Q: What’s the difference between a whorehouse and a circus?
A: One is a cunning array of stunts……

Q: How do you surprise Helen Keller?
A: Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because you can’t cut the grass with a vibrator.

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submitted by Mitsubishi on 04.28.2006

Warning: Contains minor profanities (OMG!)

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.”

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

“My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.”

Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

“My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.”

With that, the wolf jumps up and screams:

“Will you fck off? I’m trying to take a sht!”

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submitted by Sang on 04.27.2006

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2002, the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

• 10 - 12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
• 8 - 10″ Pole Tax $25.00
• 5 - 8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
• 4 - 5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

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submitted by Mitsubishi on 04.27.2006

A young Newfoundlander moved to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The Newfie says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland.”

Well, the boss liked the Newfoundlander (of course) so he gave him the job.

He said, “You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did on your first day”.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see him.

“How many sales did you make today?”, the boss asked.

The Newfie proudly said ” One”.

The boss says, “Just One? Our sales people average 20- 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The Newfie says, “$101,237.64″.

The Boss says, “$101,237.64? What in the name of God did you sell?”

The Newfie said, “I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going to go fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat dept. and I sold him that twin engine Sea Ray. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive dept. and sold him that 4 X 4 Suburban.

The Boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck ?”

The Newfie says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said . . .

“Well, your weekend’s shot. . .You might as well go fishing!!!”

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submitted by Sang on 03.25.2006

So Mel Gibson decides to make a movie about the life and times of various composers.

Seeking out big actors he calls up Robert De Niro and asks him who he would like to play.

De Niro thinks for a minute and says “Well I kind of like Beethoven’s badass attitude, so I’ll be Beethoven.”

Next he calls up Dustin Hoffman and asks the same question.

Hoffman replies, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Then Mel Gibson calls up Arnold Swarchenegger and asks him what composer he would like to play.

Swarchenegger replies, “I’ll be Bach.”

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submitted by Sang on 03.25.2006

So, a sailor walks into a bar. Everything is normal about him, except his head is the size of a tangerine. The bartender asks, “Why is your head the size of a tangerine??” and the sailor tells this story:

“Well, I was sailing one day when our vessel went through serious storm. The ship was totally scrapped, and I was the only survivor. I made my way to a small island. I was there for months, finding food, shelter and water as well as I could. One day, while fishing, I saw a mermaid. I know you dont think that mermaids exist, but this one was as real as ever. Well, she told me that I looked like I was is a bind, and she offered me one wish. I said to her: “I’ve been here on this island for months now, all by myself, and what I’d really love would be to have sex with you.” and she said, “That is something that I cannot do, seeing as the lower half of my body is a fish” so I said, “How about a little head?”

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submitted by Sang on 03.24.2006

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asks Darla, “How do you spell dumb?”

Darla says “d-u-m-b, dumb” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

She says, “Buckwheat is dumb”.

Now spell “stupid”.

Darla says “s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid”.

The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

Darla says, “Buckwheat is stupid.”

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says “Buckwheat, spell dictate.”

Buckwheat stands an says, “d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.”

The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

Buckwheat says, “I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla say my dictate good.”

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