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Archive for the 'Puns' Category
submitted by Sang on 12.3.2006
The Warners sing their version of the age old christmas song Noel.
Now I have the song stuck in my head.
Posted in Jokes/Christmas, Videos/Funny Videos, Videos/Music, Jokes/Puns, Videos/TV/Movie Clips 
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submitted by Sang on 09.20.2006
With the recent contamination of spinach, the FDA advices everyone to throw out their salad.
The Daily Show is there with a really funny joke.
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submitted by Sang on 07.31.2006
Here’s the background of this story: Opie and Anthony from The Opie and Anthony Show decided to give away 100 grand to the 107th caller. When that caller finds out that he won 100 grand, he gets excited, obviously, and starts talking about how he’s going to use the money.
What he doesn’t know is that you can do anything with a candy bar but eat it.
Listen to the audio.
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submitted by Sang on 07.17.2006
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.
The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.
The detective responded, “I think it’s obvious. A cereal killer got her!”
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submitted by Sang on 07.16.2006
Vets office:
“all unattended children given free kitten”
Plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one Weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Sign at the psychic’s Hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
At a Towing Company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
On an Electricians truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room Door:
“Push, Push, Push.”
At an Optometrists Office
“If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a fence:
“Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary, we’ll hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”
Inside a Bowling Alley:
“Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
In a counselors office:
“Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
submitted by Sang on 07.15.2006
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
It’s easier to fight for ones’ principles than to live up to them.
I don’t mind going anywhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
I don’t get even, I get older.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. round is a shape.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
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submitted by Sang on 06.25.2006
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her all at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, the Poodle decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one of you who uses the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Labrador Retriever speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, “How well can you do?”
“Um…I HATE liver and cheese!” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you?”
The last of the three males is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says… “Liver alone, Cheese mine.”
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submitted by Graz on 05.28.2006
One day in the ocean, a whale notices the fishing boat that killed his father. He thinks up a plan to get back at the fishers and goes and finds his wife to help him with it. He tells her that they will both swim to the right-underside of the boat and then they will blow out their blowholes causing the boat to tip over. They go and do that and the boat flips over. After the boat is flipped though, the whale notices that the men on board are swimming for shore. He turns to his wife and asks her to help him swallow the men alive. She looks right back at him and says, “I helped you with the blow job, but I’m not swallowing the seamen.”
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submitted by Mitsubishi on 05.17.2006
A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of booze was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked. “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be darned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
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