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submitted by Crazy 88 on 08.10.2006
“I usually don’t do this on the first date.”
“Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
“Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
“Can you hear me now?”
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
“You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put your left and in and you shake it all about….”
“Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
“Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
“You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
And the best one of them all…
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered medical opinion, my head is not up there?”
submitted by Sang on 08.8.2006
Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.
Hit strangers with your flutter board.
Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….”
Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.
Swim near a stranger and go ”Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have had watermelon before I came here.”
Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!”
Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.
Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
Hit strangers with your wet towel.
Throw people’s things into the pool.
Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.
Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
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submitted by Crazy 88 on 07.27.2006
wait don’t come in its not dead yet!
welcome lord vader
oh god please be 18
ooh it looks delicious!
hey you told me he was dead!
i have some bad news regarding both your cat and a chinese resturaunt
you know whats NOT legal…
well you’re just damn ugly
you what I discovered was edible today?
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submitted by Sang on 07.24.2006
There was once a villager who got engaged to a girl from the neighboring village. One day he decided to walk there and visit his fiancée. So he asked his mum to go and buy some material to make him some new underwear since he had been wearing his for 3 months.
His mum bought 5 meters and made two pairs for him with 2 meters leaving 3 meters spare. He put on his new underwear and his best kilt (skirt) and set off for the next village.
When he was half way there, he needed to go to the toilet, and took off his underwear, and hung it on a tree so as not to dirty it. When he was done, he forgot to put his underwear back on.
When he got to his fiancée’s house, he sat opposite her so as to show off his new underwear. The girl looked shocked. When the man saw her expression, he thought she was impressed with his new underwear, and said, “Do you like it? I have another 3 meters at home.”
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submitted by Sang on 07.15.2006
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
It’s easier to fight for ones’ principles than to live up to them.
I don’t mind going anywhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
I don’t get even, I get older.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. round is a shape.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
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submitted by Sang on 07.14.2006
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: “Hey, you got a telephone in there?”
The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.”
“I got one too… see?”
“Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.”
Then the man in the Granada says, “You got a fax machine?”
“Why, actually, yes, I do.”
“I do too! See? It’s right here!”
“Uh-huh.”
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, “So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?”
And the guy in the Rolls says, “NO! Do you?”
“Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!”
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What’s up?”
“Check this out - I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”
And the man in the Granada says, “YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!”
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submitted by Mitsubishi on 07.12.2006
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”
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submitted by Sang on 07.11.2006
When my brother was about 20 years old and going to college in Portland, Oregon, he used to call our parents in Long Beach, California every time he needed money. He also use to take a bus every chance he would get to come home for the week ends, with the support of our parents.
One night he called from Porland and ask our mother if they would send him some extra money to fly home, since he was getting tired of the buses. When our father heard this he yelled from across the room, “Tell him to stick a feather up his butt and fly home!”
My brother said, “What did Dad say?”
Our mother answered, “He said, you’ll have to take the bus home, dear.”
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submitted by Sang on 06.29.2006
This list is proof that some people struggle under pressure.
Question: Name a former President that most people would say
is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answers: Nixon
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with
the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle
Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy
Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn
Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time
Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce
Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
Question: Name a special request people ask for when making a
dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu
Question: Name someone you wouldn’t want to get a phone call
from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son
Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Inglesias
Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of
when you’re sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol
Question: Name something you’d hate to find at the end of your
nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answers: Lint
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