submitted by Sang on 03.9.2006

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. ‘Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.’

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. ‘Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.’

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. ‘Let me tell you a story,’ replied the rabbi. ‘A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’

The man protested: ‘What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?’ ‘No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.’

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submitted by Sang on 03.3.2006

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It’s a ‘70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.

I’m driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window, “Hey, slow down you idiot.” I’m a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, “Jerk” at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

“Do you have a problem?” I ask.

“Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?”

“I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?”

“You were speeding. I watched you.”

“You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?” (Ever the interrogator)

“I heard you.”

“So, you measured my speed by ear?”

“I can hear.”

“How fast did you HEAR me going?”

“Look,” she says, “I don’t have to take this. Here comes a cop. I’ll wave him down.”

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. “What happened?” he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. “Are those mufflers legal?” Ethel asks. She’s pushing it. I reply, “I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them.” I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, “What about those big tires? They CAN’T be legal.”

I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. “These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429,” I told the cop, “Which makes them street legal as a replacement.” Ethel gets angry. She whines, “So you’re not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?” The cop says, “No, I am not.”

I’ve about had it. So I say, “Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense.”

“What?” The cop looks confused.

“Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can’t detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn’t measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense.”

The cop says, “But, I didn’t see any of this.”

“But,” I said, “I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I’ll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street.”

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won’t prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I’ve got a law degree, and I’m not afraid to use it.

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submitted by Sang on 03.3.2006

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

“I entertained a cowboy last night”, says the first.

“How did you know he was a cowboy?”, asks the second.

“Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.”

“Sounds like a cowboy, all right.” the others say.

“I entertained a lawyer,” announces the second. “I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.”

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

“I had a dirt farmer for a client,” comments the third.

“How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?” she is asked.

“First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.”

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submitted by Sang on 03.1.2006

• MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
• EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
• PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
• COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
  1. Go to Africa.
  2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
  3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
  4. During each traverse pass,
     1. Catch each animal seen.
     2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
     3. Stop when a match is detected.
• EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
• ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
• HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
• ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
• STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
• CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
• OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
• POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
• LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
• SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
• VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
  (1) compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
  (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
• SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
• QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
• SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
• SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
• HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
• Geez… it’s more simple for a trained mathematician: Put a small circular cage somewhere in africa, so that it does not contain an elephant - which should be easy. Then, point to the encircled area and declare it as “outside”.

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submitted by Sang on 02.27.2006

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What’s the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: You fill it with gas.

Q: What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

Q: Have you heard George Michael’s new song?
A: It’s called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go

Q: I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
A: The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

QWhat’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

QWhat is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

QWhat’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

QWhat’s the weather like in Tahoe?
A: Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.

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submitted by Sang on 02.20.2006

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not. Cya!”

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submitted by Sang on 02.15.2006

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks in his records and declares, “Ah, you are an engineer. You seem to be in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell. Thanks to him, they have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up the Devil on the phone and says, “Hey, how are things are going down there?”

The Devil replies, “Things are great. We’ve got an engineer and who knows what he’ll think of next.”

God replies “What! You’ve got an engineer! That’s a mistake! Send him up here now!”

Satan says “No way!”

God replies, “If you don’t I’ll sue!” Satan laughs and answers, “Yeah, right! And where are you gonna get a lawyer?”

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