submitted by Sang on 08.25.2006

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say I’m a lawyer.”

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, “Oh, your a lawyer?”

He said, “Why yes I am!”

So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

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submitted by Sang on 08.8.2006

A lawyer seeks console from his Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive drinking.

Priest: “My son, I’ll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking.”

Lawyer: “Yes! Father, I swear!”

A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar.

Priest: “My son, you’re lying about your drinking again.”

Lawyer: “Father, this is not wine. It is water.”

Priest: “I’ll be a witness to that, my son.”

The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, “My son, you’re lying again. This is not water. It is wine.”

Lawyer: “Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine!”

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submitted by Sang on 05.10.2006

A Dutchman, a Frenchman, and an American are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave”. The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. “And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheik asked.

The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

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submitted by Sang on 05.7.2006

The Democrats’ Version of Tax Cuts

If you don’t understand the Democrats’ version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee’s interpretation of fairness.

After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unfair and unconscionable.

People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an “Earned Income Ticket Credit.” Persons “earn” it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that’s only fair.

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don’t need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.

The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn’t afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn’t pay anything in, because they need the most help (sometimes known as Affirmative Action!).

Now do you understand?

If not, for assistance contact Representative Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy or Senator Hillary Clinton.

The Republican Version of Tax Cuts

First the team hires an outside accounting firm under a no-bid contract to process the refunds, paying them $12 per refund processed.

The people in the $10 seats get back $0.

The people in the $25 seats get back $7.

The people in the $50 seats get back $28.

The people in the $75 seats get back $175.

Because the funds collected are not sufficient to pay the extra $100-per-ticket for the $75 seatholders and the $12-per-ticket refund processing fees, the team borrows the money to cover the shortfall.

They then announce that the only way they can make a profit and pay back the debt is to attract more $75 ticket buyers back to the ballpark, and thus begin offering them incentives such as free baseball jerseys and massages. They subcontract out the purchasing and distribution of the jerseys and the operation of the massage center to friends of the team owner, paying 40% more than if they ran the services themselves, claiming that the real cost savings are in not increasing an already bloated team bureaucracy.

When the $75 tickets do not sell like hotcakes, they borrow $500,000 to commission a study on what will attract more $75 ticket buyers. The study is performed by a marketing firm the team’s general manager used to work for, takes 3 years, and runs $300,000 over budget. The final answer is that the $75 ticket buyers want a private entrance to the park so they don’t have to mingle with the $10, $25, and $50 ticket buyers.

The team borrows $3.5 million to construct the private entrance. They give a no-bid contract to a contractor who is a good friend of the team’s owner. The contractor proceeds to use shoddy materials and undocumented, undertrained workers who are paid minimum wage. Not surprisingly, the completed entrance fails its safety inspection by the city.

The team sues, claiming the city’s safety regulations are too restrictive and unfriendly to business. They lose the suit when the jury takes a trip to see the new entrance and two jury members are struck by falling bricks, knocked loose by the vibrations from a passing truck.

The team starts a bidding process and gets a new contractor to tear down the unsafe entrance and rebuild it to code with properly trained workers, griping about the costs all the way. They borrow money to pay the lawyers who lost their suit against the city, and borrow money to pay the new contractor, but because the first contractor was a good friend of the team owner, he is never sued over his shoddy work or all the money it cost the team.

Finally, a year and a half behind schedule and $4.5 million over budget, the new private entrance is completed and passes inspection. The $75 seat holders start returning in a trickle, but it becomes a flood when the team offers free beer and hotdogs in the luxury area.

With all the $75 seats filled, the team is still losing money because their profit margin on those seats is slim after all the free beer, free hotdogs, team jerseys, and massages. The team determines that the only way to become profitable is to convert the $50 area to $75 seats. Though the profit margins are slim, they state they’ll make it up in volume.

They borrow another $14 million to renovate the $50 seat area to bring it up to par with the $75 seats.

Still failing to make a profit, they raise the $10 seats to $35 and the $25 seats to $55, plus increase concession stand prices in the former $10 and $25 areas by 20%.

After all this, the team still isn’t making a profit. They now owe their creditors an amount greater than four times their annual revenues, and continue to borrow money to subsidize the giveaways to the buyers of the most expensive tickets, hoping against hope that this will turn things around.

Now do you understand? If not, please contact President Bush so he can tell you that questioning his actions presents a divided front to America’s enemies and as such only emboldens them. So sit down and shut up before your questions force Homeland Security to change the threat level to a sort of teal with purple flecks in it. Are you trying to cause another 9/11?

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submitted by Sang on 03.25.2006

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little…

As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going boy?”

Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?”

“67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!” said the cop.

“If you already knew” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?”

Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”

The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”

Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I’ve got a very good job!”

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, “What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob.

“What you say, boy?” asked the patrolman.

“I’m a rectum stretcher!”

The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Bob explained, “When someone needs to be stretched, I’m the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across.”

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?”

Bob nonchalantly answered, “You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!”

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submitted by Sang on 03.22.2006

A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:

“Here lies Shirley, wife of John Fergul, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services “

Suddenly, the lawyer bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley’s tombstone!”

Through his tears, the lawyer sobs, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number and Email!”

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submitted by Sang on 03.21.2006

• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

• It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

• Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

• A man was complaining to a friend: ‘I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!’ ‘What happened?’ asked the friend. ‘My wife found out…’

• Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

• A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!’ Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!’

• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months–I don’t like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

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submitted by Sang on 03.20.2006

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. “I know a great trial lawyer,” the fellow said, “but he’s expensive and doesn’t know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer,” he continued, “who’s not a great trial lawyer, but he’s cheap and really knows how to pick a jury.”

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. “I saw Jud mount his goat from behind,” he said, “and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud’s pecker.”

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, “You know, a good goat will do that.”

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submitted by Sang on 03.10.2006

Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.

The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.

Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, “I suppose you’re the kids’ lawyer.”

“Nope,” the chap replied. “I’m just here to deliver them a pizza.”

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