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submitted by Sang on 03.25.2006
Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?
Customer: I can do that. I’m not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma’am?
Customer: Let me see….I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I’m done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops…I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says “ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS”. What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but In non-technical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your own machine before it can “LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE”?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You’re welcome Click on the following files and then copy them to the “MYHEART” directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go…
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006
- In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
- And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
- And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
- And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
- And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
- And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
- And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
- And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
- And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
- But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
- And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
- And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
- And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
- So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
- And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
- And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
- And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
- And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
- And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
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submitted by Sang on 02.26.2006
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. ‘Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.’ The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, ‘Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.’ The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. ‘I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.’ The guy says, ‘Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!’
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submitted by Sang on 01.18.2006
You name your children Eudora, Hyperlink and dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28.8-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You can’t call your mother because she doesn’t have a modem.
You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
After reading this joke, you immediately forward it to a thousand of your closest friends.
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submitted by Sang on 12.27.2005
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identifiy because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS II: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my test…. no new files!” on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
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submitted by Sang on 12.21.2005
“Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
“…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
“So — what are you wearing?”
“Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
“Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
“Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ‘60 Minutes’. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
“We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
“Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
“Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
“Please hold for Mr. Gates’s attorney.”
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submitted by Sang on 12.19.2005
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
Every time you press Return/Enter and there is processing time required, pray “O please o please o please o please,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
“DISK FIGHT!!!”
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Posted in Jokes/Computers email 6 comments »
submitted by Sang on 12.19.2005
Post a message asking how to post messages.
Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in follow-ups.
Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as *** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***
Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a poll.
Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.
Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn’t yet have its own sex group.
Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
Start this week’s new AOL virus rumor.
Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new HOOTERAMA phone sex service or PorqWhiffe pheramone cologne.
Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.
Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates’ VISA card number.
Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word imbecile in your follow-up flames.
Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
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submitted by Sang on 12.18.2005
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but that makes it difficult to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself “why on earth did I do that?”
Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.
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