submitted by Sang on 01.6.2007

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
7. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
8. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
9. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.
10. Turn off shower.
11. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
12. Get out of shower.
13. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
14. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
7. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
8. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
9. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
10. Pee.
11. Rinse off and get out of shower.
12. Partially dry off.
13. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
14. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
15. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
16. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
17. Throw wet towel on bed.

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submitted by Sang on 09.29.2006

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky; mine’s still alive.”

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son; I’m still paying.”

The bumper sticker read: “I lost 250 pounds in one day; I divorced her.”

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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submitted by Sang on 09.13.2006

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild .

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

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submitted by Sang on 09.8.2006

“I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words “I do.”

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT???”

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, “Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

I figure that I won’t be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2008 but godammit it was worth it.”

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submitted by Crazy 88 on 08.26.2006

Women:

-Well first we start with the underwear. It has to fit the activity we plan to be doing for most of the day. For example, if we are exercising we might want something a bit tighter than say, if we were just doing chores around the house

• Next the shirt, this is the most important part of the outfit considering it is what most people will be looking at. To decide it we first have to consider the weather, sunny, rainy, or cloudy. It will all become a factor at some point and how much light we need in the shirt. Then the design of the shirt, if we are on a date, a little more revealing than casual dress wear.

-Then the pants. The previous shirt choice will play a huge part in out decision for our pants. Now not only will we have to consider the weather but if it will go with the shirt we just picked out. Also on how much leg we want to show, if we are looking for someone, we might want a miniskirt. Whereas if we are married, a nice pair of jeans will probably do, but we must make sure that the jeans are suitable for public appearance. This means no rips, holes, or torn hems

-The socks might take a while. They need to be clean, and not only match each other, but the entire outfit we have already picked out. If the socks don’t match, either we did a bad job rolling them or we need to start doing the laundry. And it is almost impossible to leave the home if your socks do not match your outfit. If someone notices, they will be focusing on it all day.

-Now the shoes, this one may be most important of all. We must find a design that will fit our job for the day, our mood for the day, the weather, and also be practical. We can spend up to 30 minutes and maybe up to 300 dollars both buying, and picking out our shoes in the morning. And if the shoes don’t match the outfit, we may as well have not picked out the rest of the outfit in the first place because that positively cannot happen and will not happen

-Men

-Is it on the top of the drawer?

-Ok, we’re done

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submitted by Sang on 08.8.2006

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

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submitted by Sang on 07.24.2006

I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf,” “Pot Roast,” “Steak and Vegetables,” Chicken and Dumplings,” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

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submitted by Sang on 07.18.2006

Scientists for the FDA suggested that men take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis revealing the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were given 6 cans of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned

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