submitted by Sang on 04.27.2006

The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, “Teletubbies”, because, Falwell pronounced, “The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do.” But Falwell’s work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after…

Fred Flintstone

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; “Twinkle-Toes Flintstones.” The show’s theme song ends “…we’ll have a gay old time!” He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

Bugs Bunny

Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.

Velma (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

Popeye

Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn’t been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

Batman and Robin

Evidence: Robin’s nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman’s real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They’re in great shape. They like to show each other their “grappling hooks.”

Peppermint Patty

Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir.

The Pink Panther

Enough said.

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submitted by Sang on 04.27.2006

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2002, the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

• 10 - 12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
• 8 - 10″ Pole Tax $25.00
• 5 - 8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
• 4 - 5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

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submitted by Sang on 04.27.2006

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. coffee, n.
   the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj.
   appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3 abdicate, v.
to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

1. esplanade, v.
   to attempt an explanation while drunk.

2. willy-nilly, adj.
   impotent.

3. negligent, adj.
   absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

4. lymph, v.
   to walk with a lisp.

5. gargoyle, n.
   olive-flavored mouthwash.

9 flatulence, n.
emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

1. balderdash, n.
   a rapidly receding hairline.

2. testicle, n.
   a humorous question on an exam.

3. rectitude, n.
   the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

4. pokemon, n.
   a Rastafarian proctologist.

5. oyster, n.
   a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

6. Frisbeetarianism, n.
   the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

7. circumvent, n.
   an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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submitted by Sang on 04.27.2006

RENO, Nev. (AP) - Four bus loads of students from O’Brien Middle School made the four-hour trip to Six Flags Marine World in Vallejo, Calif., only to find the amusement park’s gates locked Monday. The school-sponsored trip was supposed to reward top students.

“It was pretty much a fiasco,” said Washoe County School District spokesman Steve Mulvenon. “They ended up wasting a day that those kids could have better spent in class or doing what they were going to do at the park.”

School officials said the $50 fee will be refunded, and the tour company that arranged the trip has agreed to pay for the next one. “The tour company neglected to check the schedule,” Mulvenon said.

“It is just a bummer for the kids,” said parent Jeff Wood. “Now, they will have to wait another month to go and a lot of the kids might not be able to go then.”

Principal Scott Grange said the school was even given printed tickets with Monday’s date on them.

“But shame on us for not checking,” he said.

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submitted by Sang on 04.27.2006

Three Argentinian schoolchildren set fire to their school to get out of a maths test.

Two girls, aged 15 and 16, and a boy, 15, set curtains alight in one classroom at Santa Maria School in Buenos Aires.

The flames spread to other rooms but firefighters extinguished the blaze before anyone was caught.

The culprits owned up when police started questioning pupils to find out how the fire started, reports UOL Noticias Populares.

A police spokesman said: “They confessed straight away, simply saying they were dreading the maths test and that it looked like a good way out of it.”

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submitted by Mitchell on 04.27.2006

A young Newfoundlander moved to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The Newfie says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland.”

Well, the boss liked the Newfoundlander (of course) so he gave him the job.

He said, “You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did on your first day”.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see him.

“How many sales did you make today?”, the boss asked.

The Newfie proudly said ” One”.

The boss says, “Just One? Our sales people average 20- 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The Newfie says, “$101,237.64″.

The Boss says, “$101,237.64? What in the name of God did you sell?”

The Newfie said, “I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going to go fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat dept. and I sold him that twin engine Sea Ray. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive dept. and sold him that 4 X 4 Suburban.

The Boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck ?”

The Newfie says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said . . .

“Well, your weekend’s shot. . .You might as well go fishing!!!”

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submitted by canadianlibfront on 04.26.2006

I would just like to say ‘Thank You’ for all of the great responses I have seen for my picture “Heil Kubek”. I am fghting for The Student. I shall continue my campaign for as long Kubek’s tyranny continues. I say this with the deepest sincerity… LONG LIVE THE STUDENT! DOWN WITH KUBEK!

With the Greatest Admiration, CLF

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submitted by Sang on 04.26.2006

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says “We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.”

The next woman says “I am too but we use the rhythm method.”

The third woman says “We use the bucket and saucer method.”

“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?”, the others ask.

“Well, I’m five foot eleven… and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.”

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submitted by Sang on 04.26.2006

Here’s a tutorial for those who want to post videos to Sangent.

1. Convert your video to .flv format. Luckily, you don’t have to download any programs. Visit keepvid.com and copy/paste the address of the video into the green box:
   

2. In the wordpress control panel, browse for your file and upload:
   

3. Copy the file link:
   
   
   For IE, right click and select “Copy Shortcut”

4. Use the following code: <object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="320" height="260" wmode="transparent" data="flvplayer.swf?file=PASTEHERE&autoStart=false"> <param name="movie" value="flvplayer.swf?file=PASTEHERE&autoStart=false"> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"> </object>

Paste where ever you see PASTEHERE. You should have pasted twice.

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