submitted by Sang on 04.29.2006

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

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submitted by Sang on 04.29.2006

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s [2005] winners:

1. Cashtration (n.):
   The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus:
   A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

1. Reintarnation:
   Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

2. Bozone (n.):
   The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

3. Foreploy:
   Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

4. Giraffiti:
   Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

5. Sarchasm:
   The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

6. Inoculatte:
   To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis:
   Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis:
   A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon:
   It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.):
    The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido:
    All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect:
    The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
    The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.):
    Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.):
    The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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submitted by Sang on 04.29.2006

A 62 year old woman is charged with watching porn and gangsta rap from her Cablevision cable company.

The woman suspects that the company is trying to extort her money because everytime she calls, someone tells her a different thing.

She feels that someone may have pirated her cable.

Luckily, the cable company suspended her bill and is investigating the situation.

So since the woman can’t watch porn, what about her 81 year old mother?

[Via Independent Record]

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submitted by Sang on 04.29.2006

A teacher at Harvey Grammar School (now called “Pervy Grammar” by students) in Folkestone, Kent was fired after she revealed her breasts for Cosmopolitan magazine in an article entitled “How Normal Are Your Breasts?”

In her defense, she said that she posted for the magazine before being hired by the school.

The teacher, Kristina Howells, describes them as small and hairy but unique.

[Via NewKerala]

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submitted by Sang on 04.29.2006

A man diagnosed with pancreatic cancer was given only months to give. When he was going for his walks, he saw a goose that inspired him to keep going even though he was sick.

The goose responds whenever the man calls, but snaps at anyone who comes close to it including the man’s daughter.

I rub his neck, and the top of his head and down to his back. Every time I came down, he just kept coming out. I think it’s pretty nice, that he’d always come to me.

[Via ABC News]

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submitted by Mitchell on 04.29.2006

With less than 2 seconds left on the clock, and down by 2 points, one of the boys on the losing team tosess up a hail-mary from their own end of the court….only to see (in complete disbelief) it sail through the hoop! You’ve gotta see this one!

continue reading/watch video…

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submitted by Sang on 04.29.2006

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. “Oh darling,” he gushed, “Come here! Let me look at you! Let me hold you! Let’s have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I’ve missed your lovin’ so much!”

The wife, keeping her distance, said, “All in good time lover. First, let’s hear you play that harmonica.”

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submitted by Mitchell on 04.29.2006

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where on earth is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Darn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why on earth would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts!

5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8. When people say “life is short”. What on earth?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbutt?

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submitted by Sang on 04.28.2006

Scientists have proven that men get distracted by beautiful women. In other words, he is likely to make poor decisions in the presence of a beautiful woman.

Men about to play a financial game were shown images of sexy women or lingerie.

The Proceedings of the Royal Society B study found they were more likely to accept unfair offers than men not been exposed to the alluring images.

News article here

continue reading/watch video…

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