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Archive for April, 2006
submitted by Mitsubishi on 04.30.2006
Despite popular belief, speeding does NOT kill! It saves! And here, Sangent viewers, is living proof!!
WARNING: Fake blood.
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submitted by Sang on 04.30.2006
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, “I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, “Doc, what can I do?”
The doctor says, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 of a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”
“No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”
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submitted by Sang on 04.30.2006
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A: George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does this mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A: Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
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submitted by Sang on 04.30.2006
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? (HENDO) southern accent
A: It lays eggs.
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submitted by Sang on 04.30.2006
A man named Jakub Fik is being charged with two counts of aggravated assault and one count of criminal damage to property.
At around 8 am on Wednesday, Fik was smashing car windows. He then broke into a house, grabbed a bunch of knifes in the house and proceeded to throw them at the police officers.
In the batch of knifes was his penis.
[Via sun times]
After that, he ran back into the house to refill his weapons.
Police later subdued Fik with the taser.
The problem? A girl.
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submitted by Sang on 04.30.2006
When Brittney Richardson was walking home from the grocery store last Friday night, she was grabbed by a man in his 30s.
What the man didn’t know was that Brittney has two years of training in Karate, and she also happens to be a brown belt (probably preceded by black). She knocked the guy out, ran home, and called the police.
Unfortunately, the attacker got away.
[Via 9 news]
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submitted by Sang on 04.30.2006
The evolution of laughter has been traced back to falling, according to evolutionary biologists.
According to them, when a member of a group tripped on something, they would laugh as a sign to each other that something was wrong, but it wasn’t too serious.
This is the reason why we find John Cleese’s “Ministry of Silly Walks” and Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) funny.
[Via Times Online]
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submitted by Mitsubishi on 04.30.2006
A German, an Italian and a Newfie are on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
- to be shot
- to be hung
- to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom, he was dead instantly).
Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Newfie said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.”
They gave him the shot, and the Newfie fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Newfie said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, “What is wrong with you?”
The Newfie replied, “You guys are so stupid….. I’m wearing a condom!”
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