submitted by Sang on 03.30.2006

A Spanish teacher named Brett Drummond was accused of buying pornography for two students in an Alambama high school. The teacher has been put on administrative leave and faces a felony and two misdemeanors.

Perhaps the pornstars in those movies spoke Spanish? Maybe the movies themselves were in Spanish?

[Via NBC10.com ]

Posted in Life/Weird/Funny News   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.30.2006

A kindergarten student yesterday was suspended from school for 10 days after bringing a gun to school that he found on his washer-dryer at home. He put the gun into his friend’s bookbag, and he even told the principal about it.

[Via azcentral]

Posted in Life/Weird/Funny News   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.30.2006

An eighth grader was taken out of class and into in-school suspension because her hair style (picture below), according to the school administrators, is distracting to the educational process. How retarded is this?! I mean, how A.D.D. do you have to be to NOT listen to the teacher and stare at another student for an entire hour?

Besides, in high school (at least in mine, anyway), the administrators don’t care what color(s), how many spikes, and how long the spikes are in your hair as long as it doesn’t contain a weapon.

[Via KIROTV.com]

Posted in Life/Weird/Funny News   email  1 comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.30.2006

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

Posted in Jokes   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.30.2006

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don’t give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn’t care less. You’re the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you’re bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you’re a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who’d kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You’re an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative’s limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you’re prone to bullshitting and you’re a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don’t bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You’re a prick.

Posted in Jokes   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.30.2006

Dear redneck son,

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Posted in Jokes   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.29.2006

Events

• “We will bury you.” Nikita Krushchev, Soviet Premier, predicting Soviet communism will win over U.S. capitalism, 1958.

• “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” Charles H. Duell, an official at the US patent office, 1899.

• “I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone.” Charles Darwin, in the foreword to his book, The Origin of Species, 1869.

• “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” Irving Fisher, economics professor at Yale University, 1929.

• “If anything remains more or less unchanged, it will be the role of women.” David Riesman, conservative American social scientist, 1967.

• “It will be gone by June.” Variety, passing judgement on rock ‘n roll in 1955.

• “Democracy will be dead by 1950.” John Langdon-Davies, A Short History of The Future, 1936.

• “A short-lived satirical pulp.” TIME, writing off Mad magazine in 1956.

• “And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam” Newsweek, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

• “Four or five frigates will do the business without any military force.” -– British prime minister Lord North, on dealing with the rebellious American colonies, 1774.

• “In all likelihood world inflation is over.” International Monetary Fund Ceo, 1959.

• “This antitrust thing will blow over.” Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft.

• “Remote shopping, while entirely feasible, will flop - because women like to get out of the house, like to handle merchandise, like to be able to change their minds.” TIME, 1966, in one sentence writing off e-commerce long before anyone had ever heard of it.

• “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist-” Last words of Gen. John Sedgwick, spoken as he looked out over the parapet at enemy lines during the Battle of Spotsylvania in 1864.

• “Our country has deliberately undertaken a great social and economic experiment, noble in motive and far reaching in purpose.” -– Herbert Hoover, on Prohibition, 1928.

• “It will be years - not in my time - before a woman will become Prime Minister.” Margaret Thatcher, future Prime Minister, October 26th, 1969.

• “Read my lips: NO NEW TAXES.” George Bush, 1988.

• “You will be home before the leaves have fallen from the trees.” -– Kaiser Wilhelm, to the German troops, August 1914.

• “This is the second time in our history that there has come back from Germany to Downing Street peace with honor. I believe it is peace for our time.” -– Neville Chamberlain, British Prime Minister, September 30th, 1938.

• “That virus is a pussycat.” -– Dr. Peter Duesberg, molecular-biology professor at U.C. Berkeley, on HIV, 1988.

• “The case is a loser.” -– Johnnie Cochran, on soon-to-be client O.J.’s chances of winning, 1994.

• “Reagan doesn’t have that presidential look.” -– United Artists Executive, rejecting Reagan as lead in 1964 film The Best Man.

• “Capitalist production begets, with the inexorability of a law of nature, its own negation.” Karl Marx.

• “Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.” Grover Cleveland, U.S. President, 1905.

• “Man will not fly for 50 years.” Wilbur Wright, American aviation pioneer, to brother Orville, after a disappointing flying experiment, 1901 (their first successful flight was in 1903).

• “I am tired of all this sort of thing called science here… We have spent millions in that sort of thing for the last few years, and it is time it should be stopped.” Simon Cameron, U.S. Senator, on the Smithsonian Institute, 1901.

• “The Americans are good about making fancy cars and refrigerators, but that doesn’t mean they are any good at making aircraft. They are bluffing. They are excellent at bluffing.” Hermann Goering, Commander-in-Chief of the Luftwaffe, 1942.

• “With over fifteen types of foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn’t likely to carve out a big share of the market for itself.” Business Week, August 2, 1968.

• “The multitude of books is a great evil. There is no limit to this fever for writing; every one must be an author; some out of vanity, to acquire celebrity and raise up a name, others for the sake of mere gain.” Martin Luther, German Reformation leader, Table Talk, 1530s(?).

• “Ours has been the first [expedition], and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality.” Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

• “There is no doubt that the regime of Saddam Hussein possesses weapons of mass destruction. As this operation continues, those weapons will be identified, found, along with the people who have produced them and who guard them.” General Tommy Franks, March 22nd, 2003.

  continue reading/watch video…

Posted in Jokes, Life   email  2 comments »

submitted by Sang on 03.29.2006

Bifocals Barbie - Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie - Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie - As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie - Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie - Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie - Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie - All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-Life Crisis Barbie - It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

Divorced Barbie - Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

Recovery Barbie - Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Post-Menopausal Barbie - This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

Posted in Jokes   email  submit comment »

submitted by Sang on 03.29.2006

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish, “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan, my old cat, into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

Posted in Jokes   email  submit comment »