Q & A For New Parents | Sangent - The Daily Ramblings

Q & A For New Parents

submitted by Sang on 03.2.2006 in Jokes

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.
Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rearend, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question, dipshit?
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A: Authorized personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother’s breasts.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: What is colic?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.