submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

1. In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Some simple thoughts and truths of life by George Carlin.

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• The older you get, the better you realize you were.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed “Hysterias and Posteriors.”

The Doctors didn’t find it acceptable, and suggested “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

The town didn’t like that either and countered with “Catatonics and High Colonics.”

Thumbs down again, by now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in:

• Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives
• Minds and Behinds
• Lost Souls and Assholes
• Analysis and Anal Cysts
• Nuts and Butts
• Freaks and Cheeks
• Loons and Moons

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on: “Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends.”

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

• Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
• 1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
• Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
• Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
• 1000 aches: 1 megahurts
• Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
• Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power
• Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond
• 10 cards: 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
• 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
• 1 million microphones: 1 phone
• 1 trillion microphones: 1 megaphone
• 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
• 500 millinaries: 1 seminary
• 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
• 1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn
• 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
• 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
• 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
• 100 rations: 1 C-ration
• 10 rations: 1 decoration
• 1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo
• 10 millipedes: 1 centipede
• 3 dents: 1 trident
• 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
• 2 monograms: 1 diagram
• 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
• 105 dollars = 1 Millicent
• 1012 antellas = 1 tarantella
• 109 antics = 1 gigantic
• 100 tics = 1 hectic
• 10 aides = 1 decade
• 1000 female sheep = 1 milieu
• 2 doctors = 1 paradox
• 100 Senators: Not 1 decision
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
• 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong (say it out loud)

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

1. Have you looked through her briefs?

2. He is one hard judge.

3. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

4. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

5. Is it a penal offense?

6. Better leave the handcuffs on.

7. For $200 an hour, she better be good.

8. Can you get him to drop his suit?

9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

10. Think you can get me off?

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Checklist for maintaining your woman car:

Give it a regular, thorough going over.

Touch up the exterior.

Rub it down nicely.

Have a quick tinker with the underside.

Clean out the tubes.

Make sure it’s waxed regularly.

Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or bump starting?

Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.

Change the lubrication.

Check for leaks.

Check the rubber is not wearing thin.

Keep an eye out for bald patches.

Lift up the front and have a long hard look.

Check the rear end is clean and tidy.

Check for spare tyre and any handles.

Keep an eye on fuel consumption.

Check the condition of the big end.

Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.

Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?

Ensure that it responds well to you when you’re in the driving seat.

Make sure it’s always clean inside.

Make sure that it will not require any extra/expert servicing.

Check all crevices, especially the box, for dust, dirt, or insect nests.

Have any cracks been inexpertly filled in the past?

Check the mileage and for any previous lady owners.

And that no animals have ever been inside.

Fit a child lock.

The younger the better.

Check that it will not break down on you with no warning.

Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.

Does it drive well in reverse?

Ensure you can tune the radio in to the football.

Ensure you have sole ownership.

If possible, test drive several times before commiting to ownership.

Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down, and that it is easy to control.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various “toys” can be heard.

2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are “stuck” and you have no idea why.

3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don’t want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15″ screen.

5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.

6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That’s it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!

7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your “coke” in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can’t keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won’t take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, “I have to let my dog out.”

8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)

9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it’s proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realise that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you’d rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.

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submitted by Sang on 02.27.2006

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to to their seperate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.”

So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says ” Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?” The women gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out.

As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says “Clumsy bitch.”

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submitted by Sang on 02.27.2006

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this officer.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

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