submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “ticket please.”

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designer of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Clones are people two.
3. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
4. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
5. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
6. Doesn’t ‘expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
7. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
8. Go ahead and take risks….just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
10. How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
11. How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?
12. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
13. How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
14. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
15. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it?
16. How do you know it’s summer in Seattle? Rain’s warm?
17. How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
18. How does one expect the unexpected?
19. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
20. How is it possible to have a civil war?
21. How long is a short story?
22. How long will a floating point operation float?
23. How many weeks are there in a light year?
24. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
25. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
26. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
27. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
28. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
29. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
30. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
31. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
32. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
33. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
34. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
35. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
36. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
37. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead”?
40. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
41. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
43. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
46. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
47. If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?
48. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
49. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
50. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
51. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
52. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
53. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
54. What do batteries run on?
55. What do you mean that 2 years have passed?
56. What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?
57. What does ignorant mean?
58. What does this red button do?
59. What else can you do at 3:00 am?
60. What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
61. What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
62. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
63. What happens when none of your bees wax?
64. What’s another word for ‘thesaurus?’
65. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
66. When in doubt, think.
67. When shooting a mime, do you use a silencer?
68. When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarfs began to suspect “Hungry”
69. When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
70. Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
71. Where does weight go when you lose it?
72. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?
73. Who cares how it plays in Peoria?
74. Who cares who’s on board?
75. Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
76. Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites?
77. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
78. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?
79. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
80. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
81. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
82. Why aren’t there many Hannukah specials on TV?
83. Why be a man when you can be a success?
84. Why can’t we just spell it “orderves”?
85. Why did you read this?
86. Why do ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?
87. Why do ‘tug’ boats push their barges?
88. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
89. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do…write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
90. Why do they tell us to watch “The Today Show” tomorrow?
91. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
92. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
93. Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
94. Why do we say “hot water heater”? [Isn't that redundant?]
95. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
96. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
97. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
98. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
99. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
100. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
101. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
102. Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
103. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
104. Why don’t ease, lease, and please sound alike?
105. Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
106. Why get even, when you can get odd?
107. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
108. Why is it call “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
109. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them.
110. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
111. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
112. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
113. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
114. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
115. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
116. Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled “palindromeemordnilap”?
117. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
118. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
119. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

• Pass My Shotgun
• Psychotic Mood Shift
• Perpetual Munching Spree
• Puffy Mid-Section
• People Make me Sick
• Provide Me with Sweets
• Pardon My Sobbing
• Pimples May Surface
• Pass My Sweatpants
• Pissy Mood Syndrome
• Plainly; Men Suck
• Pack My Stuff
• Potential Murder Suspect
• Puh, men suck!
• Please, More Snacks!
• PARDON MY SHOUTING!
• Punish My Spouse

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Have you ever wanted how to answer questions such as “Are you tired of me?”, “Do you love me?”, or “Which shoes look better?”? Well, this handy guide will explain how to tackle these questions and more. Enjoy.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah.

If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years,he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is”. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark — $1
Knowing where to put it — $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left… then to the right… right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says… “He should have quit while he was a head!”

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