submitted by Sang on 03.1.2006

• I’ll get a world record for this..
• It’s fireproof.
• He’s probably just hibernating.
• What does this button do?
• I’m making a citizen’s arrest.
• So, you’re a cannibal.
• It’s probably just a rash.
• Are you sure the power is off?
• Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
• The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
• Pull the pin and count to what?
• Which wire was I supposed to cut?
• I wonder where the mother bear is.
• I’ve seen this done on TV.
• These are the good kind of mushrooms.
• I’ll hold it, and you light the fuse.
• Let it down slowly.
• Rat poison only kills rats.
• Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
• It’s strong enough for both of us.
• This doesn’t taste right.
• I can make this light before it changes.
• Nice doggie.
• I can do that with my eyes closed.
• I’ve done this before.
• Well, we’ve made it this far.
• That’s odd.
• You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
• Don’t be so superstitious.
• Now watch this.
• What duck?

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submitted by Sang on 03.1.2006

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn’t there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.”

The bartender raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know –she might say yes.”

The mathematician laughs. “Yeah, right — how likely is THAT to happen?”

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Academic Phrases and Meanings: The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

“It has long been known”… I didn’t look up the original reference.

“A definite trend is evident”… These data are practically meaningless.

“While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions”… An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

“Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study”… The other results didn’t make any sense.

“Typical results are shown”… This is the prettiest graph.

“These results will be in a subsequent report”… I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

“In my experience”… once

“In case after case”… twice

“In a series of cases”… thrice

“It is believed that”… I think.

“It is generally believed that”… A couple of others think so, too.

“Correct within an order of magnitude”… Wrong.

“According to statistical analysis”… Rumor has it.

“A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings”… A wild guess.

“A careful analysis of obtainable data”… Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

“It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs”… I don’t understand it.

“After additional study by my colleagues”… They don’t understand it either.

“Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions”… Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

“A highly significant area for exploratory study”… A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

“It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field”… I quit.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said, “You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic.”

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish.”

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor’s cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence-why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

25. Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers.
24. They have more hair when they are born.
23. Dogs never forget to “go” before they leave.
22. Dogs can go on long trips without yelling “MOM HE’S TOUCHING ME!!!!”
21. Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends.

20. Dogs don’t wear holes in the knees of their trousers.
19. It doesn’t matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth.
18. You can cage a dog without going to jail.
17. Dogs don’t “backwash” crackers when sharing your soda.
16. Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won’t laugh at the special effects.

15. Dogs hide their “blankies” in their crates rather than dragging them around in public.
14. It’s OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog
13. The older a Dog gets, the more they like you.
12. Dogs don’t ask why. Dogs don’t ask why. Dogs don’t ask why.
11. Dogs don’t roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it easier.

10. Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a pencil.
9. Dogs don’t jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on you,considerately adding to your warmth.
8. Dog poop is easier to get off the wall than crayon.
7. When Dogs don’t listen to you, it is because they cannot understand the complex human language.
6. Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away.

5. No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper.
4. Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litterbox. Kids won’t even dump the litterbox.
3. When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don’t have to explain that the two of you are “wrestling to see who does the dishes.”
2. Dogs don’t grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months.

1. Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad). This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample’s mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “Critical Morass”.

You will know it when you see it.

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submitted by Sang on 02.28.2006

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said, “Let me see if I’ve got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

And I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recom! mendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Masters degree.

And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.

You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.

I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

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