submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

Please leave your name and number — But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q?

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: She didn’t know what ONE came first…

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!”

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

“Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!”

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!”

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Freddie said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please.”

The girl behind the counter replied, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn’t come this morning. We’re out of chocolate.”

“In that case,” the man continued, “I’ll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream.”

“You don’t understand, sir,” the girl says. “We have no chocolate.”

“Then just give me some chocolate,” he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, “Sir, will you spell ‘van,’ as in ‘vanilla?’”

The man spells, “V A N.”

“Now spell ’straw,’ as in ’strawberry.’”

“OK. S-T-R-A-W.”

“Now,” the girl asked, “spell ’stink,’ as in chocolate.”

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, “There is no stink in chocolate.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” she screams.

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

Customer: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.

CSE: : What sort of trouble?

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

CSE: : Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer: Nothing.

CSE: : Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer: How do I tell?

CSE: : Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer: What’s a sea-prompt?

CSE: : Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer: There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.

CSE: : Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer: What’s a monitor?

CSE: : It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?

Customer: I don’t know.

CSE: : Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer: Yes, I think so.

CSE: : Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.

Customer: I can’t. It’s dark out here.

CSE: : Dark?

Customer: There’s a power outage.

CSE: : A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

CSE: : Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

CSE: : Yes, I’m afraid it is.

Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

CSE: : Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.

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submitted by Sang on 11.30.2005

“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”

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