Sangent

submitted by Sang on 11.6.2005 in Jokes

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
• I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.’
• So what’s the speed of dark?
• After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
• Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
• Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
• If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
• Isn’t Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp’ to have an ’s’ in it?
• How come ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?
• If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
• Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?
• Why do banks charge you a ‘non-sufficient funds’ fee on money they already know that you don’t have?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Why are there five syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’?
• Why do scientists call it ‘research’ when they are looking for something new?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
• Why is it that when a door is open, it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you.
• Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to ‘cure’ it?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its ‘4s’?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
• Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?
• I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

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