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Archive for August, 2005
submitted by Sang on 08.25.2005
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dumb dude comes in and –WHACK!!– knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The idiot says, ‘That was a karate chop from Korea.’
The little guy thinks ‘GEEZ,’ but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, ‘That was a judo chop from Japan.’ So the little guy has had enough of this.
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and WHACK bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ‘When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.’
Posted in Jokes 
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submitted by Sang on 08.24.2005
Here’s something that has bothered me for years: why is colonel pronounced kernel?
Colonel comes from Old Italian colonello, commander of a column of troops, which in turn derives from colonna, column. It wasn’t always spelled the Italian way, though. Four hundred years ago English followed the Spanish practice and spelled the word “coronel,” sensibly pronounced the way it looked. Eventually this was corrupted to ker-nel, still not bad considering we’re talking about the British, who pronounce “Featheringstonehaugh” “Fanshaw.” But it couldn’t last. Some nameless busybody decided coronel ought to be spelled “colonel” to better reflect its Italian origin.
Now I know.
+snguyen
Posted in Life email submit comment »
submitted by Sang on 08.24.2005
It’s 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.
She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m not wearing underwear.” With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!”
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”
The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching the dice!
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submitted by Sang on 08.22.2005
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. “Was it an inheritance?” he asked.
“No.” she answered.
“Was it from playing the stock market?”
“No.” she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. “I bet.” she stated.
“You bet?” repeated the bank president. “As in horses?”
“No.” she replied, “I bet people.”
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square.”
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 o’clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man’s purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. “Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I am the same as I’ve always been only $25,000.00 richer.”
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
“What’ wrong with him?” he inquired.
“Oh him,” she replied, “I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning that I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”
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submitted by Sang on 08.22.2005
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you…
DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can’t do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering crap over me. I talk… you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to answer it?
DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the damn line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.
DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of “hi, how’s it going” or “busy today?” That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally screwed. We didn’t screw it up. It wasn’t us. We’re simply telling it like it is.
DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o’ crap shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON’T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can’t stress that one enough.
DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you’d know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It’s just you. Keep that in mind. It’s just you.
DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most… the elderly.
DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you’re not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren’t technological psychics.
DO NOT call us assuming the problem you’re experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the damn toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn’t us who caused it.
DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don’t know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we’re well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced “help, the internet is broken!” Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don’t call us.
DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you’re doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you’d notice.
DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don’t know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno crap to us.
DO NOT call in if you can’t speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be ‘computer’ or ‘broken’ doesn’t absolve you of the offense.
DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it’s screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it’s screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he’s going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn’t think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it’s come up. For god sakes, if you can’t control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you’re on.
Posted in Jokes email submit comment »
submitted by Sang on 08.22.2005
Holy crap, I can’t believe that giving my address to Comcast will actually get me a free LIVESTRONG bracelet, but it works (well, it worked).
Here’s the URL to get your free bracelet: http://comcast.p.delivery.net/m/p/com/arm/ThankYou.asp
Actually, that link doesn’t work anymore, but you get the picture.
+snguyen
Posted in Life email submit comment »
submitted by Sang on 08.21.2005
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything!
That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex! It’s also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
America’s health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well…all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!
It’s like something out of that “twilighty” show about that zone.
Whenever Marge turns on one of her “non-violent” programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love…
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England!
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not even close!
Or what? You’ll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
You’re saying butt-kisser like it’s a bad thing!
Well, let’s just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, ‘Marge, if this doesn’t get your motor running, my name isn’t Homer J. Simpson.’
I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!
Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.
You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.
Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup - I’m eatin’ salad here!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie… “Spaceballs”. But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie “Police Academy”.
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!
I’m trying to fix your mother’s camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.
Here’s to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
God bless those pagans.
Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.
I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage!
We’ll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
We’re gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don’t want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster’s dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one’s garden.
Now, Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
You can’t go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain’t ketchup!
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”
I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun!
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
Oh, they have Internet on computers now.
Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.
Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip!
I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.
I’m not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
I think I’m gonna make a random generator just for this.
Posted in Jokes email submit comment »
submitted by Sang on 08.20.2005
If I could go back in time, I’d purchase some of these domains as well as google.com and yahoo.com. Then, I’d be frickin’ rich…or Google would just use a different name. Either would be pretty significant.
- 15-Mar-1985 SYMBOLICS.COM
- 24-Apr-1985 BBN.COM
- 24-May-1985 THINK.COM
- 11-Jul-1985 MCC.COM
- 30-Sep-1985 DEC.COM
- 07-Nov-1985 NORTHROP.COM
- 09-Jan-1986 XEROX.COM
- 17-Jan-1986 SRI.COM
- 03-Mar-1986 HP.COM
- 05-Mar-1986 BELLCORE.COM
- 19-Mar-1986 IBM.COM
- 19-Mar-1986 SUN.COM
- 25-Mar-1986 INTEL.COM
- 25-Mar-1986 TI.COM
- 25-Apr-1986 ATT.COM
- 08-May-1986 GMR.COM
- 08-May-1986 TEK.COM
- 10-Jul-1986 FMC.COM
- 10-Jul-1986 UB.COM
- 05-Aug-1986 BELL-ATL.COM
- 05-Aug-1986 GE.COM
- 05-Aug-1986 GREBYN.COM
- 05-Aug-1986 ISC.COM
- 05-Aug-1986 NSC.COM
- 05-Aug-1986 STARGATE.COM
- 02-Sep-1986 BOEING.COM
- 18-Sep-1986 ITCORP.COM
- 29-Sep-1986 SIEMENS.COM
- 18-Oct-1986 PYRAMID.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 ALPHACDC.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 BDM.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 FLUKE.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 INMET.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 KESMAI.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 MENTOR.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 NEC.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 RAY.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 ROSEMOUNT.COM
- 27-Oct-1986 VORTEX.COM
- 05-Nov-1986 ALCOA.COM
- 05-Nov-1986 GTE.COM
- 17-Nov-1986 ADOBE.COM
- 17-Nov-1986 AMD.COM
- 17-Nov-1986 DAS.COM
- 17-Nov-1986 DATA-IO.COM
- 17-Nov-1986 OCTOPUS.COM
- 17-Nov-1986 PORTAL.COM
- 17-Nov-1986 TELTONE.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 3COM.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 AMDAHL.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 CCUR.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 CI.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 CONVERGENT.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 DG.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 PEREGRINE.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 QUAD.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 SQ.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 TANDY.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 TTI.COM
- 11-Dec-1986 UNISYS.COM
- 19-Jan-1987 CGI.COM
- 19-Jan-1987 CTS.COM
- 19-Jan-1987 SPDCC.COM
- 19-Feb-1987 APPLE.COM
- 04-Mar-1987 NMA.COM
- 04-Mar-1987 PRIME.COM
- 04-Apr-1987 PHILIPS.COM
- 23-Apr-1987 DATACUBE.COM
- 23-Apr-1987 KAI.COM
- 23-Apr-1987 TIC.COM
- 23-Apr-1987 VINE.COM
- 30-Apr-1987 NCR.COM
- 14-May-1987 CISCO.COM
- 14-May-1987 RDL.COM
- 20-May-1987 SLB.COM
- 27-May-1987 PARCPLACE.COM
- 27-May-1987 UTC.COM
- 26-Jun-1987 IDE.COM
- 09-Jul-1987 TRW.COM
- 13-Jul-1987 UNIPRESS.COM
- 27-Jul-1987 DUPONT.COM
- 27-Jul-1987 LOCKHEED.COM
- 28-Jul-1987 ROSETTA.COM
- 18-Aug-1987 TOAD.COM
- 31-Aug-1987 QUICK.COM
- 03-Sep-1987 ALLIED.COM
- 03-Sep-1987 DSC.COM
- 03-Sep-1987 SCO.COM
- 22-Sep-1987 GENE.COM
- 22-Sep-1987 KCCS.COM
- 22-Sep-1987 SPECTRA.COM
- 22-Sep-1987 WLK.COM
- 30-Sep-1987 MENTAT.COM
- 14-Oct-1987 WYSE.COM
- 02-Nov-1987 CFG.COM
- 09-Nov-1987 MARBLE.COM
- 16-Nov-1987 CAYMAN.COM
- 16-Nov-1987 ENTITY.COM
- 24-Nov-1987 KSR.COM
- 30-Nov-1987 NYNEXST.COM
+snguyen
Posted in Life/Spur of the Moment email submit comment »
submitted by Sang on 08.20.2005
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, A DOG
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